


Goodbye yellow brick road

by writingformadderton



Series: Rocketman-Based on our fantasy [20]
Category: Rocketman (2019)
Genre: Angst, Comfort/Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mention of blood, Pills, Razors, Self-Harm, mention of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-10
Updated: 2020-04-10
Packaged: 2021-03-02 00:27:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,691
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23576155
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writingformadderton/pseuds/writingformadderton
Summary: Richard always fought with some personal issues and didn’t think about suicide only once. Taron helped him out over and over again until they fell for each other. Together for three years and everything fine for two, Taron doesn’t worry about being away for a week anymore. But when he come home this time he sees Richard fell back in an old habbit.
Relationships: Taron Egerton/Richard Madden
Series: Rocketman-Based on our fantasy [20]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1530287
Kudos: 6





	Goodbye yellow brick road

There was a time in their lifes when they went through some intense and tough situations together. They were best friends at that time and it seemed obviously to Taron to help his friend when he needed him. Richard fought with some personal issues at that time and didn’t only think about suicide once. Taron was his anchor, his one reason to stay and the only one he listened to at least a bit whenever he was dealing with those dark thoughts in his head. T started to spend more time with him, always trying to cheer him up. The two of them grow so personally attached in the bad times, that they started to fell in love in the good times. Richard was to shy to admit it and he hid it for a long time, even though Taron was honest and told him about his feelings. He feared to destroy the pure soul of T with all his own sorrow and emotional outbursts. But Taron was patient, gave him the time he needed and was really happy when Rich said yes to be in a relationship with him. Richard started to get better, more self-confident and they had to go through suicide situations less and less. They are a couple since three years nowadays and the topic suicide hasn’t been on the table for almost two years now.

“I’m home!” Taron shouts upstairs and slips of his shoes. He just came back from a two days trip in LA where he met with the director of an upcoming project.

Richard appears on top of the stairs wearing Tarons grey jumper. His hair is a natural mess and he looks immensely tired. Rich leans against the balustrade of the stairs and folds his arms in front of his chest. “Hey babe. How was your flight?”

Taron walks upstairs with his travel bag and laughs. “Oh it was alright. I’m glad I’m back home.” he sighs and stops in front of Richard. 

“I’m glad too.” Rich admits and tries to keep a neutral expression on his face. He would be happy that his boyfriend was back and just hide the fact he wasn’t feeling well. 

“You’re okay?” Taron asks concerned and tangles their hands for a second. He hears Richard saying yes but his eyes get distracted by something that tells him it’s the other way. There’s a long slightly red scratch on Richards wrist, right beneath the pullover. Taron looks up into the tired blue eyes of his lover and swallows. Did he hurt himself while he was away? Richard pulls him into a tight hug and T can feel him shaking slightly. Rich asks him if he wants to have something to eat and T says yes, excusing himself and getting into the bathroom. Turning the water on he locks the door and opens the bin. He crouches down and sees tissues with dried blood on it and a razor between them. “Okay. Now I know what I’m dealing with.” he says to himself and rubs his face. Taron takes a deep breath and gets up, closing the bin and opening the door. He slowly washes his hands and thinks how he could talk to Rich about it. 

Back down in the kitchen he watches Rich carefully, who’s warming up some food for T. They sit down and eat in silence both having their own thoughts. Rich stops eating and stares at the table. “You’re not eating much. Are you sure you are okay?” T asks and gives him another chance to open up.

Richard takes his fork back in the hand and forces a smile. “I’m alright, just not that hungry.” he forces himself to put something in his mouth and tries not to look like he could throw up. The sleeve of the grey jumper slips back down and T swallows hard. There are several cut marks at the wrist of Rich.

Taron stops eating and refills his glass. “I’m your boyfriend, right?” he starts the conversation carefully. 

“Did you hit your head and forgot something? Google us two then you see it.” Richard jokes and lies his fork down. Taron raises his eyebrows. “Yes! What kinda question is that, T?” he laughs and shakes his head in amusement but also slight irritation. 

Taron picks up his glass and takes a gulp of water. He thinks shortly before going on. “And you know you can tell me everything, am I right?”

Richard leans back in his seat and pulls the sleeve of Tarons pullover as low as possible. A little gesture that can’t be hidden from T’s observant eyes. “Yes.” he simply says and bites his lower lip. There’s a frosty atmosphere in the room and Rich feels himself getting nervous.

“Good.” Taron says and starts eating again watching him closely. Come on Rich, I don’t wanna pull everything out of your nose. “So, is there something you wanna tell me?” T asks calmly shrugging his shoulders and finishes his food.

“Why don’t you just tell me what’s going through your head?” Rich says and stares at the table avoiding the look of his boyfriend. His fingers starts tapping a rhythm on the table. 

Taron lies his fork aside and rubs his face. Okay, Rich wouldn’t be easy to talk to today. “Why didn’t you tell me you’re feeling worse?” he asks lowvoiced and sees how Rich flinches a bit.

Richard gulps and collects all his strength. He looks straight into the eyes of his boyfriend. “Because I am feeling absolutely fine.” he lies with a strong voice. How stupid must he look right now?

“Oh my bad, it was an accident in the kitchen.” Taron speaks and watches him closely, his eyebrows slightly raised. If he didn’t open up the normal way he had to tease him a bit. 

Richard stands up abruptly and takes his plate. “I really don’t know what you’re talking about.” He walks over to Taron and takes his plate.  
T grabs his arm and pulls up the sleeve, revealing the dark cuts on his wrist. “Don’t lie to me, you know I hate that.” he whispers and looks up at him.

Richard slamms his plate back on the table and pulls the sleeve back down. “Those are old ones.” he mumbles and tries to stay calm. Shit, that wasn’t the way he planned this evening.

Taron stands up quickly and puts his plate into the dishwasher. “You do realize that I am your boyfriend and due to the fact I know your body like my own I know those aren’t old ones.” And the razor and tissues, he think to himself. Richard stands still and watches him biting his lip nervously. What should he say now? Of course T would notice. “You never did it on your wrist, you were to scared because of filming.” Taron says lowvoiced and turns towards him again.

“I’m sorry is the place a problem now? I’ll do it on my throat the next time!” Rich bursts out madly and his eyes fill with tears. His lips are trembling heavily. 

“What?” Taron asks shocked and stares at him speechless. “I - I didn’t mean that!” he rambles. 

Rich shrugs his shoulders and tries to hold back his tears. “I know.” he mumbles and doesn’t dare to look at him.

Taron braces himself on the kitchen table and tries to sort his thoughts. Richard starts sobbing quietly and stands still trying to stop. He covers the cut marks with his hand and stares at the floor. Tarons heart breaks at this sight and his eyes start to water. “What happened while I was away?” he asks and tries to control his shaking voice.

“I got lonely and - and then this thoughts came back. I didn’t want to do it I swear!” his voice cracks and he starts breathing fast. “It felt good, but only shortly. I-I’m sorry, T.” Rich is shaking and sobs uncontrollable. Big tears are dropping onto the jumper and T fights with his own tears. “Then I stood in the bathroom and I just hated my reflection in the mirror. I hate it, T.” Taron looks at him sad. He knows Rich has some insecurities but it hurts him hearing it. In his eyes Richard was amazing on the inside and outside and there was nothing he wanted more than to let him see that. Richard takes a step forward but then stops hesitantly. “Can I-?” he says and interrupts himself again. “I feel like falling apart lately.” Rich admits and bites on his lips trying to stop the sounds coming out. “Can you just hold me a bit?” His questions is barely audible.

Tarons throat tightens and single tears fall down his cheeks. He wipes them away immediately knowing that it would upset Rich even more. “Come here.” he whispers and opens his arms, pulling his boyfriend in a safe embrace. Richard buries his face in his neck and holds him tight. “It’s okay.” he says and rubs his back trying to calm him down.

“Please don’t be mad at me.” Rich whines silently.

“I’m not mad at you. But you should have called me.” T says and starts running his fingers through Richards soft hair. He places soft kisses on Richs head, trying to calm himself down. His boyfriend needed his full strength now so he could lean on him.

“I don’t wanna die, T.” Rich whispers and holds him closer. Taron was his safe place and he knew it wasn’t right to place everything on his shoulders. It wasn’t right to make him suffer too and drag him down with him. “I just had a couple of bad days.”

“Shh, you’re safe here with me.” T takes a deep breath and starts biting his lower lip. “Rich?” Richard hums in response not letting go of Taron. “Why don’t you show me all the possibilities you kept yourself open the last days?” he rubs over Richards back slightly. It was an old ritual they made up whenever Rich was in this emotional state.

Richard holds his hands while he brings him to the bathroom and shows him the rest of the razors. Taron takes them into his free hand without saying a word. They walk over to the bed and Rich opens the little drawer of his bedside table. There are the sleeping pills he takes whenever Taron wasn’t with him and cuddled him into a deep sleep. Next to it is a bottle of alcohol. T lets go of his hand and takes both out.

“Anything else?” Taron asks and looks at him. Richard shakes his head and new tears fill his eyes. “I’ll be back in a minute.” T takes the things with him and throws them into a bag which he hides in his own suitcase. When he comes back upstairs Rich stands still there where he left him and tears are streaming down his face again. “It’s okay. We’re gonna do this together.” T assures and walks over to him. Taking Richards hand into his he softly fondles over the cut marks with his thumb. Rich just falls into his arms and holds him tight. He breathes in the sweet scent of Taron and tries to calm down. They stand there for a while just holding each other. “You wanna get some fresh air?” 

They are sitting on the balcony and T comforts Rich in his arms. It’s a cold evening and T shivers slightly because of the cold but he stays. Suddenly Rich stands up and sits on the balustrade. 

“Rich?” Taron asks worried and stands up slowly. What was he doing now? 

“You know, I could just let myself fall down there.” Richard looks at him kinda curiously. He bounces forth and back and looks down into their little garden in front of the house. 

“Stop that, you’re fucking scaring me right now.” Taron says seriously and his eyes wide when Rich stops holding himself with his hands. Jumping forward he grabs Richards arms and pulls him down from the balustrade and inside on safe ground. “Don’t you ever do that again!” Taron shouts upset. 

“As if somebody would care.” Rich groans and sits down on their bed. Lying down he stares at the ceiling. 

Taron is closing the door to the balcony and stops in his movement. “What did you just say?” he asks lowvoiced and there’s something dangerous in his voice, Rich never heard before. There’s a frosty silence between them for a few seconds before Taron turns around towards him. “Am I, as your boyfriend, not enough to show you you are loved and cared about?” 

Richard sits up again and looks at him with an unimpressed face. “Please don’t make a scene now.” 

Taron feels himself getting angry and sad. His heart broke into little pieces when Rich said nobody would care. He knows exactly that Richard is in a emotional state where he feels like that and it would pass. But it hit him hard to hear that words coming out of his boyfriends mouth. “I love you so fucking much, Rich. That’s not fair.” 

Rich jumps up with a mad look on his face. “I love you more than my own life.”

“That isn’t to difficult for someone who wants to be dead!” Taron bursts out and feels tears burning in his eyes. Richards jaw drops down and shock settles in his face. Taron slowly realizes what he just said and swallows hard. “I’m sorry! That was the biggest bullshit I’ve ever said.” Taron rambles and rubs his face. Calm down, you idiot! You’re only gonna make it worse. 

Richard takes a sharp breath and nods slowly. “It’s okay, I deserved that.”

“No you didn’t.” Taron groans and falls down into an arm chair heavily. He burries his face in his hands and tries to sort his thoughts. How could he help Rich the best way? It just became so different with being a couple. Trying to hold back his tears and all the anger he takes deep breaths. Suddenly he feels Richs fingers lifting up his chin. He removes his hands from his face and stares into the deep blue sea, in Richards eyes. 

Rich crouches down in front of him and rests his chin on Tarons knee. “I didn’t want to upset you.” he whispers and looks up to him. 

Taron shakes his head and starts fondling over Richards soft hair. “It’s my job to support you.” he whispers back. “You and me against the world, just like in old times.” he bites his lip and sees Richards eyes filling with tears. His fingers softly stroke over his cheeks before tangling with Richards. T leans forward and kisses him on the forehead. “What do you need baby?” he asks lowvoiced. 

“Just any love you can give.” Rich says barely beyond a whisper and a tear escapes his eye. 

Taron presses his lips together, moved by this surprising plea. He stands up and pulls Rich after him walking towards their bed. They lie down and Taron takes him in his arms. Rich cuddles into him and feels his mind calming. Running his fingers through his hair, over his back and cheeks, he places long kisses on his forehead. 

“I’m scared of it.” Richard admits after a while and holds him close. 

“We’re gonna get through it, okay? We did this before and we gonna do it again. I’m here, baby.” Taron assures and gently rubs his back. 

Richard sits up and looks down at him. Their red puffy eyes meet and they both smile a bit. Rich leans in and gives Taron a kiss. “Thank you my love.” he whispers and smiles. 

Taron sits up too. “There’s nothing to thank me for.” he says and cups Richards face, his thumbs rubbing soft circles on his cheeks. 

“You know that’s a lie.” Rich chuckles and kisses T again, long and sweet. He looks into Tarons beautiful eyes and feels himself getting calm. Everything would be okay, he was at his safe place. His anchor would save him from drowning once more.


End file.
